Share....

Sometimes I have a conversation in my head that I wish I could share here. It's the kind where I'm screaming and ranting about something that is so real to me but I realize I can't say what I really feel out loud because I would be childless and single and maybe in jail..... Thanks for listening and I'm sure understanding my crazy thoughts..... Thank goodness I baked umpteen dozen of cookies, I will feel much better shortly.

What I wore.

I started blogging as a kind of personal journal. I expect most people do but then as we get readers and followers and commenters etc, we may turn our attention more to what the people want to hear. I have several blogs I read/follow and am often learning something or inspired by them. They range from friends, hobby interests to frugality, organizing and style and for the most part, I keep it in perspective that these are staged posts but from real people, not celebrities, though some do make a living blogging. I recently began to follow a young lady who was featured on studio 5. She also started blogging for herself and was being asked all the time about her clothes and now posts what she is wearing and links to where it is from etc. I loved that she is a classically styled, modest, LDS girl from Utah but with NY at any age kind of outfits so I have followed her.I have even copied a few items but today it dawned on me..... What the crap is a 22 year old design student doing, toting around a $2,000 Prada bag(she has more than one $500+bag) and everyday ensemble from J.Crew or Nordstroms worth more than my yearly clothing allowance for my whole family? Where does she go? I thought for the sake of reality I would follow suit and post a "what I wore" for you all. Sorry about missing links to purchase as I'm pretty sure you will all want my outfit but most of the stuff is old, ahem vintage, and no longer available.

My too big sweats and a layer jacket that goes under most any hoodie or cardigan in a huury.

My cozy slipper/sock boots for indoor use only

and of course my "sunnies" because every "what I wore" post has them. Truthfully I am very happy to have them as they went awol after my accident and I thought they had died in my car but I found them in a $10 handbag :-) Notice my hair is not dried because it's only 11:00am and who gets ready that early if they don't have to? and no I am not sick I just don't have make up on. So this is my reality check for the day. I blog for the sake of journalling, family history if you like. Sometimes it's for therapy or venting and sometimes it's for a happy, gratitude kind of announcement. So what about you? Natalie

A Secret Society.

A recent incident in my neighborhood, which involved ambulances, police cars, a very emotionally, unwell young man and a whole lot of "we're fine, Thank You's" had me feeling compassion towards a mother, who no doubt had been dealing with this for many years. It prompted me to think through so many of the saddest times in my life. Times when things were going completely away from, my well thought out and prayed for, plan. I have discovered, too late as usual, that so much of my sadness and disappointment, questioning my entire existence, purpose and career as a Mom, has come from my own expectations. Expectations that have been created by all kinds of things. The world around me, my own upbringing, my own desires and the biggest influence of all "the church standards". The promises that if I give up my beloved career, where I help people feel good and uplifted daily, to stay home and raise my family full time, that they will excel and achieve greatness, they will want all that the Lord has to offer them and will be excited to grow in his ways. I didn't think I would be sitting around 20 years later,with kids who think college is a waste of time and money, a career path at walmart was a prospect and moving in together, with a girl I can only hope becomes a member of the family because she's adorable would be the future of my very talented kids. I find myself questioning everything I have done over the years. I have tried to magnify my callings in the church whilst my sons often sat through an hour of Sunday school with no teacher. I've tried to not choose Satan's plan by forcing my kids to achieve things like and Eagle Scout award in exchange for a drivers license, instead allowing their agency to choose, hhm. That one backfired several times. I have discovered that having a home, open and fun for friends, creates kids who want to be home and then are traumatized when they leave for long periods like say, a mission but my biggest question in all this is, WHY does everything seem to work out for everyone else and NOT ME!!! and where the heck have all these ideas of perfection, come from anyway? wah wah tantrum, throw things, stomp around and end up curled up on the bed with bad hair and a bar of chocolate (they really should invent chocolate bars, where women can go at night with dim lights so we all look good and we share stories and eat chocolate together) BUT the good news, there's an Answer, YES I have THE answer......They don't!! I mean they don't work out for everyone else, or anyone else for that matter. We just see their lives through the facebook status version. We see the, "my sweet darling angel got baptized today by her older, awesome, straight A, brother who just got the priesthood. Here's my lovely family picture, please don't anyone notice my other son is missing because he want's nothing to do with church and prefers to take drugs on Sunday mornings to feel peace" or we see "My beautiful family holidaying in the Caribbean, a gift from Grandma." The secret here, she hasn't spoken to her other son since he married a divorcee. You see I have discovered that we all live in a secret society. A Truman show. No one appears to have flaws or weakness so we can't possibly share with them that we do. We in turn, keep up the facade that we also, do not have flaws or weakness thus creating this inner turmoil and feeling of failure. I mean no one wants to read on facebook "great, caught another kid looking at porn" do they? Just writing that made me feel weird and need to clarify it was made up :-)Maybe...not but maybe... I am sharing this here on MAMB because I feel, you of all people, my peers in the Mommy experience world, could relate to this feeling. I'm guessing you too have experienced sadness and have received support and love from another, who have shared their own disappointment's and have come to realize that no one is without challenging experiences that you wished you had known, so that you too could be of service. That it is indeed, a blessing to have opportunities to learn and grow through hard times and often, the thing we have poured our heart and soul into, namely raising a family, would be the very spot where we can be humbled and taught the most. In exchange, it is often, how we gauge our success, making check marks as kids achieve the things we think they should. So today I am COMING OUT. I am leaving the secret society. *I am Natalie and I am imperfect. *I only post photos on facebook that make me look good and leave the other 300 hidden. *My house is only clean around the spot of the thing I am showing. *My son want's nothing at all to do with God and it breaks my heart daily. *I would rather "home church" than be there. *My kids ate quesadillas 3 nights this week because I couldn't be bothered to cook. *I painted 3 walls of a room and left the last because I couldn't be bothered and convinced myself I liked the "accent wall" which I don't. *I have fake flowers in my outdoor pots!! My list could go on but I don't want to ruin all the good you thought of me ;-) Happy coming out day. Natalie

Let's Go, Girls!!

I'm really sad that this blog has been neglected for SO LONG.  On the other hand, I happen to know that the three main contributors to the blog have had a VERY busy last couple of years!  Between us, just counting our own children, I think we've had three or four High School graduations, three missionaries, two weddings, countless birthday parties, and that's only listing the happy things!  Speaking for myself, some of the things we've dealt with in the past few years have been far too painful to put on a blog.  Maybe that's why the long silence...we've just had too much, too many, and too hard.

But I'd love to get our Middle Aged Mommy Blog back up and running.  I know Natalie has had a pretty rough time with her car lately (and I'm so, so grateful she's OK).  I know Tami just sent her sweet boy off to Argentina/Uruguay for two years, and I'm sad I wasn't there for his farewell.  I know my sweet baby girl just moved out of the house she has lived in since she was five years old to head off into the wide, wide world, and I still can't talk about it without crying.  Surely we have some things to post about!!

I read back over our blog posts of yore, and I was reminded of how HARD some of those times were, but I also read the sweet and supportive comments, and felt incredibly loved and cared for.  Tell you what, ladies, I could use some of that love right about now!

So what do you say?  Can we do it?  I think we should try!!

Three Cheers for the Middle Aged Mothers of the world!!!

Confessions of a Horrible Mother

It started at 3:02 pm. I picked up the boys from school, which I do NOT usually do. I was late coming home from work, and so as a kindness, a favor, something I thought they might like, I swung by the school and waited for them, so they wouldn't have to walk home in the cold. They stood outside the car for a full thirty seconds, looking at me like I was some kind of alien abductor. I smiled. I waved. I beckoned. They looked at each other and shrugged ("I don't know what she's doing here!") and climbed in to the car.

"Why are you here, Mom?"

"I thought we were going to go home with Tyler today!"

A mother's sigh. "No, sweetie. That's Wednesday. I told you this morning that it WASN'T today, and it WASN'T tomorrow, it was WEDNESDAY. I thought you might like a ride home from school."

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss. "That's not what you said! You said it was TODAY!"

I don't know why I even get into it with them. But I did. "No. I did not say it was today because it ISN'T today. I very clearly told you that it WASN'T TODAY."

This continued for the rest of the way home, when I said, "It doesn't matter. It isn't today. You can go home with Tyler on Wednesday. Not today. The end."

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss.

Ok, now the best time of the day. (ha.) Homework.

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss.

Put away your lunchbox.

Pick up your coat, please.

Don't spill your healthy after school snack of soda pop and cookies.

No, you can't play the computer. First do your homework.

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss.

Whine. Whine. Whine.

You need to read for twenty minutes before you can play.

Stomp. Slam. Distant muttering that I'm not supposed to understand, but am very clearly supposed to hear and recognize as extreme discontent.

Here I do the mature thing of slamming a door at my end of the house. That'll learn 'em.

OK, you get the picture. This pattern continues through rest of the afternoon, eating in the basement, making birthday invitations, delivering the invitations, sending their friends home at the ridiculously early hour of 6:00, having to drive to pick up Daddy from work, eating the disgusting dinner we as horrible parents dared to force them to eat, taking showers, cleaning rooms, and finally, oh blessed day, bedtime.

Whine. Whine. Whine. "My scriptures won't stay open!!"

"Sweetheart, just hold them in your hands, like this. See, you can hold the page open really easy."

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss. Smack book multiple times to show Mom that there's just no way it's going to stay open.

"Honey, just hold the book."

Fuss. Whine. Smack.

Here is where I didn't offer to hold him on my lap and he could read out of my book.

Here is where I didn't just ignore the behavior of an obviously cranky little boy.

Here is where I snapped. I grabbed his scriptures, slammed them shut, threw them out the door, and yelled, "There! Now you don't have to worry about it any more!"

The rest of the family sat for a moment in stunned silence. One scuttled out the door to retrieve his abused book while my husband muttered, "That really doesn't help." Oh, I know. I know!

We finished our reading in an absolutely spirit-less atmosphere. We said prayers and I didn't even say Amen, because I knew if I attmepted to speak, the floodgates would open and I knew there would be no closing them.

I hurried to take out my contacts and hide in my bed. I did not see or speak to anyone else for the rest of the evening. I did not give kisses or heat rice pillows or fill night cups. I did not tuck anyone in or wave goodnight. I did not do the dishes. I did not practice. I did not sign homework folders. I did not let in the dog or turn off the lights.

I think we call it QUITTING.

And all I could do this morning was pull him into my lap and kiss his head while I cried and begged his forgiveness.

You still there?

I bet you are but just too busy feeling guilty about something you didn't do or missing someone special or eating chocolate just because you want to.

So I bring happy sunshine to you my middle age mommy friends and say, Isn't it fabulous to have good enough eyesight to see the hair sticking out of your chin and aren't you glad your clothes are tight enough to remind you what a hug from an excited 4 year old feels like :)CHOKING ME!
Aren't you glad you've had a 4 year old and can smile knowingly when some new mother of a 3 year old has a finger to point blame and shame on the mother of a 4 year old who say, wears his bat cape and swim suit to the store in February.
Aren't you glad that your kids, less than architecturally structured, Valentine candy box was his pride and joy and he was just thrilled that his buddies love him enough to stuff it with candy.
Aren't you glad that you've learned how to sit with a kid right up under your armpit as you read them horrendous literature, like captain underpants and they laugh hysterically as you try to burp in appropriate places. Did I mention the house is thrashed and your sooo over it.
Aren't you glad you can be yourself around your true friends and say what you think and look like you need to be on "what not to wear" and yet wear it anyway ( I love my uggs and sweatshirts, so toasty)

Anyway just wanted to give you a HOLLA!! snap snap sistas.
What are you glad for today?

I was TOO young...

It's not uncommon in the LDS culture to start marriage and family life at 19. It's almost frowned upon to still be single at 25 and if you reach 30 and havn't yet found your eternal companion then, my goodness, there must be something wrong with you! The trouble with this mentality is, it pushes many of us to jump into "grown up" life more quickly than, maybe, we are ready for. I'm not suggesting we lay around acting like a lazy teenager but as we move through our journey on earth, we shouldn't be in such a hurry to get to the next step.
I found myself, at 19, with my first baby, encouraging him to sit and then he walked at 10 months old. Just yesterday I heard on the radio a commercial for "hooked on phonics" by a lady with a 2 year old. Is she expecting him to read the instructions to putting on his diaper?
I digress, I have a point and pictures:)
As I've watched each of my babies grow up, some to full size and ability, I realized I have celebrated each mile stone and happily moved on, knowing that each life goal is accomplished. Now that I am old ( another LDS cultural myth, is that 38 is flippin' old) I cherish every step my kids take in there mortal journey and I wish I had put more value on them 10 years ago.
The first day of school was a huge woohoo, mum gets some ME time!
The first award was a pat on the back for me and bragging rights.
Good grades were just expected.
Playing an instrument was the norm and a sick kid messed with my plans for the day.
Now as I watch my last baby move through her milestones, I have this wrench in my heart. My kids don't need me as much.
It started out joyful,
No more night feeds, No more diapers, no more preschool.
Going to school meant being alone all day.
but now it has hit me :(
Almost too big to sit on your lap.
Too heavy to carry.

Accountable.
Our baby turned 8 and was baptized. My last one.
So I'm sad as a Mum, but happy as a mum.
I think I was too young when I started my family. I have matured into my role as a Mum and my Heavenly Father's plan for me. Now I get it and think I might've missed out on some special moments as I checked each milestone off my list of expectations.
.

Note to self, busy Mum/scrapbooker, needs to assign someone to take pictures of special occasions!