Share....

Sometimes I have a conversation in my head that I wish I could share here. It's the kind where I'm screaming and ranting about something that is so real to me but I realize I can't say what I really feel out loud because I would be childless and single and maybe in jail..... Thanks for listening and I'm sure understanding my crazy thoughts..... Thank goodness I baked umpteen dozen of cookies, I will feel much better shortly.

What I wore.

I started blogging as a kind of personal journal. I expect most people do but then as we get readers and followers and commenters etc, we may turn our attention more to what the people want to hear. I have several blogs I read/follow and am often learning something or inspired by them. They range from friends, hobby interests to frugality, organizing and style and for the most part, I keep it in perspective that these are staged posts but from real people, not celebrities, though some do make a living blogging. I recently began to follow a young lady who was featured on studio 5. She also started blogging for herself and was being asked all the time about her clothes and now posts what she is wearing and links to where it is from etc. I loved that she is a classically styled, modest, LDS girl from Utah but with NY at any age kind of outfits so I have followed her.I have even copied a few items but today it dawned on me..... What the crap is a 22 year old design student doing, toting around a $2,000 Prada bag(she has more than one $500+bag) and everyday ensemble from J.Crew or Nordstroms worth more than my yearly clothing allowance for my whole family? Where does she go? I thought for the sake of reality I would follow suit and post a "what I wore" for you all. Sorry about missing links to purchase as I'm pretty sure you will all want my outfit but most of the stuff is old, ahem vintage, and no longer available.

My too big sweats and a layer jacket that goes under most any hoodie or cardigan in a huury.

My cozy slipper/sock boots for indoor use only

and of course my "sunnies" because every "what I wore" post has them. Truthfully I am very happy to have them as they went awol after my accident and I thought they had died in my car but I found them in a $10 handbag :-) Notice my hair is not dried because it's only 11:00am and who gets ready that early if they don't have to? and no I am not sick I just don't have make up on. So this is my reality check for the day. I blog for the sake of journalling, family history if you like. Sometimes it's for therapy or venting and sometimes it's for a happy, gratitude kind of announcement. So what about you? Natalie

A Secret Society.

A recent incident in my neighborhood, which involved ambulances, police cars, a very emotionally, unwell young man and a whole lot of "we're fine, Thank You's" had me feeling compassion towards a mother, who no doubt had been dealing with this for many years. It prompted me to think through so many of the saddest times in my life. Times when things were going completely away from, my well thought out and prayed for, plan. I have discovered, too late as usual, that so much of my sadness and disappointment, questioning my entire existence, purpose and career as a Mom, has come from my own expectations. Expectations that have been created by all kinds of things. The world around me, my own upbringing, my own desires and the biggest influence of all "the church standards". The promises that if I give up my beloved career, where I help people feel good and uplifted daily, to stay home and raise my family full time, that they will excel and achieve greatness, they will want all that the Lord has to offer them and will be excited to grow in his ways. I didn't think I would be sitting around 20 years later,with kids who think college is a waste of time and money, a career path at walmart was a prospect and moving in together, with a girl I can only hope becomes a member of the family because she's adorable would be the future of my very talented kids. I find myself questioning everything I have done over the years. I have tried to magnify my callings in the church whilst my sons often sat through an hour of Sunday school with no teacher. I've tried to not choose Satan's plan by forcing my kids to achieve things like and Eagle Scout award in exchange for a drivers license, instead allowing their agency to choose, hhm. That one backfired several times. I have discovered that having a home, open and fun for friends, creates kids who want to be home and then are traumatized when they leave for long periods like say, a mission but my biggest question in all this is, WHY does everything seem to work out for everyone else and NOT ME!!! and where the heck have all these ideas of perfection, come from anyway? wah wah tantrum, throw things, stomp around and end up curled up on the bed with bad hair and a bar of chocolate (they really should invent chocolate bars, where women can go at night with dim lights so we all look good and we share stories and eat chocolate together) BUT the good news, there's an Answer, YES I have THE answer......They don't!! I mean they don't work out for everyone else, or anyone else for that matter. We just see their lives through the facebook status version. We see the, "my sweet darling angel got baptized today by her older, awesome, straight A, brother who just got the priesthood. Here's my lovely family picture, please don't anyone notice my other son is missing because he want's nothing to do with church and prefers to take drugs on Sunday mornings to feel peace" or we see "My beautiful family holidaying in the Caribbean, a gift from Grandma." The secret here, she hasn't spoken to her other son since he married a divorcee. You see I have discovered that we all live in a secret society. A Truman show. No one appears to have flaws or weakness so we can't possibly share with them that we do. We in turn, keep up the facade that we also, do not have flaws or weakness thus creating this inner turmoil and feeling of failure. I mean no one wants to read on facebook "great, caught another kid looking at porn" do they? Just writing that made me feel weird and need to clarify it was made up :-)Maybe...not but maybe... I am sharing this here on MAMB because I feel, you of all people, my peers in the Mommy experience world, could relate to this feeling. I'm guessing you too have experienced sadness and have received support and love from another, who have shared their own disappointment's and have come to realize that no one is without challenging experiences that you wished you had known, so that you too could be of service. That it is indeed, a blessing to have opportunities to learn and grow through hard times and often, the thing we have poured our heart and soul into, namely raising a family, would be the very spot where we can be humbled and taught the most. In exchange, it is often, how we gauge our success, making check marks as kids achieve the things we think they should. So today I am COMING OUT. I am leaving the secret society. *I am Natalie and I am imperfect. *I only post photos on facebook that make me look good and leave the other 300 hidden. *My house is only clean around the spot of the thing I am showing. *My son want's nothing at all to do with God and it breaks my heart daily. *I would rather "home church" than be there. *My kids ate quesadillas 3 nights this week because I couldn't be bothered to cook. *I painted 3 walls of a room and left the last because I couldn't be bothered and convinced myself I liked the "accent wall" which I don't. *I have fake flowers in my outdoor pots!! My list could go on but I don't want to ruin all the good you thought of me ;-) Happy coming out day. Natalie

Let's Go, Girls!!

I'm really sad that this blog has been neglected for SO LONG.  On the other hand, I happen to know that the three main contributors to the blog have had a VERY busy last couple of years!  Between us, just counting our own children, I think we've had three or four High School graduations, three missionaries, two weddings, countless birthday parties, and that's only listing the happy things!  Speaking for myself, some of the things we've dealt with in the past few years have been far too painful to put on a blog.  Maybe that's why the long silence...we've just had too much, too many, and too hard.

But I'd love to get our Middle Aged Mommy Blog back up and running.  I know Natalie has had a pretty rough time with her car lately (and I'm so, so grateful she's OK).  I know Tami just sent her sweet boy off to Argentina/Uruguay for two years, and I'm sad I wasn't there for his farewell.  I know my sweet baby girl just moved out of the house she has lived in since she was five years old to head off into the wide, wide world, and I still can't talk about it without crying.  Surely we have some things to post about!!

I read back over our blog posts of yore, and I was reminded of how HARD some of those times were, but I also read the sweet and supportive comments, and felt incredibly loved and cared for.  Tell you what, ladies, I could use some of that love right about now!

So what do you say?  Can we do it?  I think we should try!!

Three Cheers for the Middle Aged Mothers of the world!!!

Confessions of a Horrible Mother

It started at 3:02 pm. I picked up the boys from school, which I do NOT usually do. I was late coming home from work, and so as a kindness, a favor, something I thought they might like, I swung by the school and waited for them, so they wouldn't have to walk home in the cold. They stood outside the car for a full thirty seconds, looking at me like I was some kind of alien abductor. I smiled. I waved. I beckoned. They looked at each other and shrugged ("I don't know what she's doing here!") and climbed in to the car.

"Why are you here, Mom?"

"I thought we were going to go home with Tyler today!"

A mother's sigh. "No, sweetie. That's Wednesday. I told you this morning that it WASN'T today, and it WASN'T tomorrow, it was WEDNESDAY. I thought you might like a ride home from school."

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss. "That's not what you said! You said it was TODAY!"

I don't know why I even get into it with them. But I did. "No. I did not say it was today because it ISN'T today. I very clearly told you that it WASN'T TODAY."

This continued for the rest of the way home, when I said, "It doesn't matter. It isn't today. You can go home with Tyler on Wednesday. Not today. The end."

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss.

Ok, now the best time of the day. (ha.) Homework.

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss.

Put away your lunchbox.

Pick up your coat, please.

Don't spill your healthy after school snack of soda pop and cookies.

No, you can't play the computer. First do your homework.

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss.

Whine. Whine. Whine.

You need to read for twenty minutes before you can play.

Stomp. Slam. Distant muttering that I'm not supposed to understand, but am very clearly supposed to hear and recognize as extreme discontent.

Here I do the mature thing of slamming a door at my end of the house. That'll learn 'em.

OK, you get the picture. This pattern continues through rest of the afternoon, eating in the basement, making birthday invitations, delivering the invitations, sending their friends home at the ridiculously early hour of 6:00, having to drive to pick up Daddy from work, eating the disgusting dinner we as horrible parents dared to force them to eat, taking showers, cleaning rooms, and finally, oh blessed day, bedtime.

Whine. Whine. Whine. "My scriptures won't stay open!!"

"Sweetheart, just hold them in your hands, like this. See, you can hold the page open really easy."

Fuss. Fuss. Fuss. Smack book multiple times to show Mom that there's just no way it's going to stay open.

"Honey, just hold the book."

Fuss. Whine. Smack.

Here is where I didn't offer to hold him on my lap and he could read out of my book.

Here is where I didn't just ignore the behavior of an obviously cranky little boy.

Here is where I snapped. I grabbed his scriptures, slammed them shut, threw them out the door, and yelled, "There! Now you don't have to worry about it any more!"

The rest of the family sat for a moment in stunned silence. One scuttled out the door to retrieve his abused book while my husband muttered, "That really doesn't help." Oh, I know. I know!

We finished our reading in an absolutely spirit-less atmosphere. We said prayers and I didn't even say Amen, because I knew if I attmepted to speak, the floodgates would open and I knew there would be no closing them.

I hurried to take out my contacts and hide in my bed. I did not see or speak to anyone else for the rest of the evening. I did not give kisses or heat rice pillows or fill night cups. I did not tuck anyone in or wave goodnight. I did not do the dishes. I did not practice. I did not sign homework folders. I did not let in the dog or turn off the lights.

I think we call it QUITTING.

And all I could do this morning was pull him into my lap and kiss his head while I cried and begged his forgiveness.

You still there?

I bet you are but just too busy feeling guilty about something you didn't do or missing someone special or eating chocolate just because you want to.

So I bring happy sunshine to you my middle age mommy friends and say, Isn't it fabulous to have good enough eyesight to see the hair sticking out of your chin and aren't you glad your clothes are tight enough to remind you what a hug from an excited 4 year old feels like :)CHOKING ME!
Aren't you glad you've had a 4 year old and can smile knowingly when some new mother of a 3 year old has a finger to point blame and shame on the mother of a 4 year old who say, wears his bat cape and swim suit to the store in February.
Aren't you glad that your kids, less than architecturally structured, Valentine candy box was his pride and joy and he was just thrilled that his buddies love him enough to stuff it with candy.
Aren't you glad that you've learned how to sit with a kid right up under your armpit as you read them horrendous literature, like captain underpants and they laugh hysterically as you try to burp in appropriate places. Did I mention the house is thrashed and your sooo over it.
Aren't you glad you can be yourself around your true friends and say what you think and look like you need to be on "what not to wear" and yet wear it anyway ( I love my uggs and sweatshirts, so toasty)

Anyway just wanted to give you a HOLLA!! snap snap sistas.
What are you glad for today?

I was TOO young...

It's not uncommon in the LDS culture to start marriage and family life at 19. It's almost frowned upon to still be single at 25 and if you reach 30 and havn't yet found your eternal companion then, my goodness, there must be something wrong with you! The trouble with this mentality is, it pushes many of us to jump into "grown up" life more quickly than, maybe, we are ready for. I'm not suggesting we lay around acting like a lazy teenager but as we move through our journey on earth, we shouldn't be in such a hurry to get to the next step.
I found myself, at 19, with my first baby, encouraging him to sit and then he walked at 10 months old. Just yesterday I heard on the radio a commercial for "hooked on phonics" by a lady with a 2 year old. Is she expecting him to read the instructions to putting on his diaper?
I digress, I have a point and pictures:)
As I've watched each of my babies grow up, some to full size and ability, I realized I have celebrated each mile stone and happily moved on, knowing that each life goal is accomplished. Now that I am old ( another LDS cultural myth, is that 38 is flippin' old) I cherish every step my kids take in there mortal journey and I wish I had put more value on them 10 years ago.
The first day of school was a huge woohoo, mum gets some ME time!
The first award was a pat on the back for me and bragging rights.
Good grades were just expected.
Playing an instrument was the norm and a sick kid messed with my plans for the day.
Now as I watch my last baby move through her milestones, I have this wrench in my heart. My kids don't need me as much.
It started out joyful,
No more night feeds, No more diapers, no more preschool.
Going to school meant being alone all day.
but now it has hit me :(
Almost too big to sit on your lap.
Too heavy to carry.

Accountable.
Our baby turned 8 and was baptized. My last one.
So I'm sad as a Mum, but happy as a mum.
I think I was too young when I started my family. I have matured into my role as a Mum and my Heavenly Father's plan for me. Now I get it and think I might've missed out on some special moments as I checked each milestone off my list of expectations.
.

Note to self, busy Mum/scrapbooker, needs to assign someone to take pictures of special occasions!

GOOD GRIEF.

Two teenagers. A boy and a girl. They're good friends. They love each other. I think. Today I found this add on ksl.com. Posted by my son.

FREE
SISTER - FREE TO A GOOD HOME
provo, UT 84606 - Oct 25, 2009
this sister has been with us for about 15 years, she is fun to have around but we just don't have the room any more, if you come pick her up you can have her. She's pretty good at cleaning stuff and sometimes brings hot friends home with her

(It's been up for two hours and has had 1200 hits)

SIGH.

Falling Apart.

I don't know if it's because I'm older but I seem to know more than ever, families that are falling apart around me. Good people, great people who seem to fall into the pit of despair and don't know how to get out. Finally they get a glimpse of strength and they use it to up and leave!
Then it seems like the very worst things that have been bottled up inside them come bursting out. They party hard and accuse and pass blame and turn there backs on there friends and claim them to be "judgmental"or "self righteous" because they don't wish to partake in the festivities. They leave the woman they once d loved and adored and bore children with in the middle of nowhere to fend for themselves. They take off and hide money and leave Mom's penniless with hungry kids. They hook up with any old bit of skirt or dead beat to somehow soothe there pain. They drag there eternal companions through the courts digging up all the dirt they can to make it clear none of it was there fault.
It's the worst kid of virus and it seems to be spreading fast.
My kids talk of visiting other Dad's and question why and if our family will have another Dad or Mom.
I almost forget that 16 years ago I went through this very thing and have empathy for so many, hurt by divorce.
My boys were only 2 & 3 years old when there Dad left but despite having 13 years with an awesome father in the home, they still deal with the pain, rejections, challenges and emotion of a divorce they had nothing to do with.
I am grateful now to be married to an amazing man who understands his role as my ETERNAL companion. He treats me like the queen I will become and will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING it takes to make our marriage and family a forever one. I feel the same way about him.
I pray everyday for my sweet neighbors and friends who's lives are being torn apart by Satan's power.

I KNOW the grass is not greener elsewhere. We need to weed, tend, fertilize and mow our own grass and if it still looks ugly, XERISCAPE.

Someone else's yard is not an option.

dementor's kiss

okay, marianne. what did i tell you? here i am feeling like the worst wife on the planet, the worst mom, the worst housekeeper, daughter, friend, cook,,yada, yada, yada. i know i should read my scriptures but i can't summon up enough wherewithal to open them. plus, i know if i read anything, i will immediately feel guilty about everything. sometimes, life just sucks and you just have to get through it. i have a sign on my kitchen counter that says, "hang in there! you're a trooper!" i am so sick of being a frickin' trooper! i am sick of hanging in there. of course, i can't actually say any of this to anyone--because i am a trooper! maybe if i just go eat some chocolate...

Mummy Makeover.

Well you asked for it.
After many years of desire and selling my harley, I chose B and It has been 3 weeks.
Sorry no pictures on this blog :)
I have several friends who have done this. I say friends because when some associate from your ward or gym is willing to flash you there stuff on request, I think it makes us friends. Be warned, ladies with new perky boobs will often show you there stuff even when you don't ask or just have them on full display at the local pool behind a small piece of fabric and string. You know you've mumbled about there fake Knockers but really would love to buy a swimsuit based on it's cuteness rather than it's ability to hold up the girls. I digress.
So I researched different docs, each with there specialty. I looked at many before and after pics ( shocking and gross but comforting to know I am not alone in the before, horror shot.) I was concerned with recommendation, experience, manner, pictures, after care, pain management and generally how I felt. Not so concerned with cost since they were all close.
I was surprised how different each place was despite the procedure being similar.
My biggest fear was pain. I would've done this years ago but since I had heard descriptions like "I begged my husband to shoot me in the face to put me out of my misery!" I was pretty apprehensive. Dr Bishop had me at "you will have a pain pump flowing a constant anaesthetic to the area for 5 days :)" SOLD!!!!
I also chose him cos on one of before mentioned flashing's, I observed that his experience with stitching hands meant his scars were virtually invisible.

So I paid my money and waited a month for the big day. I didn't mention it to hardly anyone because I thought if even a slight doubt was placed in front of me I would've bailed.
So why am I telling of my secret now? Actually, I am just relieved and impressed to report it wasn't as bad as I imagined. I had the surgery AM,it took 5 hours and by evening time I was standing and into a chair, where I stayed over night in a really nice facility at the riverwoods. I had one on one nurses care and plenty of morphine. I was smiling on my way out of there just 24 hours later.


I spent the first few days asleep in a recliner thanks to drugs and my sweet hubby taking care of everything and by day 5 I was returning to the docs for my first check and dreaded drain and pump removal.
It turned out the pain drugs had worn off and I had already gone past the worst so at this point Ibuprofen was all I needed. Yes on day 5!
The removal of pumps however was a definite gag me moment.
You know when your at the "bugs life" 4D show in Disney and the slug runs under your butt...well imagine felling it pulled right across your body under the skin. Nuf said.
So from there on it's, try to stand up straight, don't cough or sneeze, lower back ache from being bent over. Cabin fever, totally rubbish TV and a house that looks in need of a Mum even though sweet hubby has busted a gut to keep on top of stuff.

Was it worth it? Honestly it's too early to say. My inability to work out has left me a bit negative, I rely on that for my happy feelings. The scar itself is a bit lumpy and unsightly as expected but I still have stretch marks above it so it's not like I'm clean and clear after all this. My skin above the incision is numb and feels thick like a whale when I touch it, they say that feeling will return.To top it off I haven't had a good nights sleep since I stopped the big drugs.
Ask me in 3 weeks and I'm sure I will be all better.

On a plus side, my boobs look blooming fantastic, like a teenager! I'll show you if you like :) KIDDING!!

To tell or NOT to tell.....

That is the question?
So I wonder how many people read this blog anyway but I have seriously considered this next post.
The Mummy Makeover! You know what I'm talking about. The extreme kind where you try to get your body back to it's pre- mummy state.
It's something I have considered for years. My very first baby left me with stretch marks from naval to hoo ha, a 3 inch roll of skin over my belt and boobs I could've tied in a bow (sorry to shatter any illusions of me)and so here I am 18 years and 3 babies later. My options are:
A) Refill said skin and boob sacks with all kinds of nummy fat food (trust me I've tried this option, one big mac in each bra.
B) Visit an experienced, well trained and sometimes a bit excentric doctor to take care of it.
Which would you choose?
So after diet, excersice and much thought,I'm ready to tell the tale if anyone's interested.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I know I am not your typical sahm--I really struggle with some of this mommy stuff. I adore my children, I love being a mom, and I know it is the most important thing that I can do ever...BUT! I love the first day of school! Only five more days until all 4 of my children are in school all day everyday! Yes, for the first time in 8 years, I will be home alone. And no, I will NOT be crying!

If you knew me before....

Coming to America at age 25 meant a new start for me. I could walk, yes I said walk, to the store and guarantee NEVER seeing a familiar face. It's very strange and quite a bit lonely.
It's been 13 years and that is no longer the case in fact it's hard to go anywhere without recognizing someone (even if your somewhere you shouldn't be :)
Recently the world of facebook has opened up to me and many of you too and we find ourselves reconnecting with people who meant allot to us in our past. People who knew us as fun loving kids, athletic and talented. People we studied with played pranks on and dreamed with. Of course they want to know what your up to and It got me thinking how different life can be.
If you knew me before, I was on every team I could fit in my schedule from cross country to netball, hockey, swimming, and of course track, my best. But I also did gymnastics and judo, played the flute, was a brownie and girl guide. I always had some sort of back yard club or shed party going on. I was pretty bright and went to a special school.
My college years were my favorite. I joined the church, I got married and pregnant too young :( I was a pretty decent hairstylist and loved to work at a fancy spa for no money, my dream to one day own a place like that. I worked at mcdonalds and had a blast there, I was a single parent at 21 and struggled to keep my water heater on. I slept many nights with 2 little boys under my arms from fear. I loved to dance, I still do and I laugh and joke about everything in public.

So for those who knew me then, how different life is now. For those who know me now, well I have a membership to a fancy club but I couldn't be further from that person.
I like my life, I like who I am and what I do daily. Not glamorous or dream worthy but my choice and my consequence.
So what about you? What would I have seen if I knew you before?

Silence.

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the thoughts jumping in my head that I become quite quiet. I know, hard to believe, I usually have an opinion on most things.
Lately, since this blog world has opened up to me, I find myself thinking in paragraphs and appropriate pictures. "man I could totally write a blog about that"

It seems my view of life and the world has changed over the years and my thoughts can be very sarcastic, matter of fact, cynical even. I realize if I wrote what I actually thought I would offend just about everyone I know. So it saddens me when I read my blog title "telling it like it is" because I really don't do that anymore.
I mean I really used to!
In some ways that was positive. Friends asked me to go shopping because they knew I would tell the truth about how something looked. In some it was negative, peoples insecurities don't allow them to accept that someone else may have a different view that is uncomfortable for them.
So as I wisely aged, I became more diplomatic and said less about what I really thought, unfortunately going with the flow in allot of cases. Choosing to say nothing.

So here lies my dilemma. When asked the question " are you honest in all your dealings?" the thought of sneaking out of smiths with a melon on the bottom of my cart are not forefront in my mind but rather, Should I have said YES when asked if she looked fat!! Am I therefore being honest?
The fact is, I have very few friends with staying power and with them, Honesty is just a part of me they love, because despite it they know me, and know I would do anything for them, I have a heart wide open with compassion and never judge (unless it's about there hair and clothes , which lets face it, the world could use more honesty in) However, mostly I have associates who regularly call me with there needs and rarely have a clue I might be hurting for something myself. These same people are not ready to hear what deeply thought out, or quickly decided views I have. So I wonder, is it best to be true and keep my friends close? or live on tip toes, hoping for a large funeral and have a multitude of leeches in my life?

I know it's a no brain er.
So my next step would be to move where nobody knows me:) What I did that once already!

Those Scouts!

I know I complained about the whole Scout thing a few weeks ago, but I just had to add something. Last Friday, Vaughn and I took 5 boys from our ward (pretty much the whole Scout troop--no, it's not Utah) to the local soup kitchen to serve lunch to the homeless. I watched them all work cheerfully, greet people politely and serve them with more grace and kindness than I ever could have summoned up at their age. Then they all worked hard to clean up and scrub and wipe down everything. All without a single complaint! When I think of most of their peer group and what a different attitude they would have about giving up sleeping, or playing, or TEXTING for a few hours, I am very humbled by these boys. They truly are amazing and so much better than I was at their age! And to top it all off, they were all up at 6:30 the next morning to go back and do some yard work for the property there. I am sure Heavenly Father is pleased with them. I know I am. And overwhelmed at the thought that I have to be the grownup and teach them something. It seems like I always learn more from children than I ever teach them! These guys give me great hope for the future! I am sure you are surrounded by or are raising children just like these! Pats on the back to all moms out there!

Thoughts on Aging

Dennis is out of town. And I get nervous at night. As I laid all alone in my bed at 1:00 this morning, scared of what I might see if I looked out the window, and scared of what might be standing behind me, and scared of what might happen if someone broke into my house, I was trying to think of happy thoughts so I wouldn't be scared and I could go to sleep.

My scared thoughts wandered to the death of Farrah Fawcett and (*gasp!!*) Michael Jackson and the lady in the book I had just been reading (stupid book). Somehow from there, I started thinking about getting old. And my kids growing up. And me and Dennis aging together. Because we are.

At this point, I realized that I was NOT thinking happy thoughts, but I also wasn't scared anymore. So I went back to my thoughts on aging.

I don't like getting older. Well, no, some things I do like. In fact, I like a lot of things. I like the intelligent and engaging conversations I can have with my children. They're so freaking AWESOME!! Yesterday I had a long conversation with Wade about the distance between Provo and Alaska and the distance between Provo and Venezuela. We also talked about why Halibut are such ugly fish. We contemplated what it might be like to drive to Venezuela. It is 3,482 miles from Provo to Caracas, Venezuela, in case you were wondering. That's a long drive. Longer than to Ketchikan, Alaska.

I also like the security that middle age seems to be bringing to me. I'm not so worried as I once was about what people think of me. I like my wage and my husband's salary. I like it that I wasn't scared to go back to school when I was 37 years old. I was just SO EXCITED. (I did NOT feel that way when I graduated at 23...) I like it that I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin (except for my weight, which I don't want to talk or think about).

I really like it that Dennis and I have been married for 20+ years. We've had four children together, and both survived incredible periods of morning (all day, all night, for 9 months) sickness. We've lost loved ones together. We've been through knee surgeries and stitches, hysterectomies and nervous breakdowns, broken bones and broken hearts. We've hiked mountains, gone camping, canoed and fished, fixed cars, boats, and bikes, we've planted gardens and trees and grape vines. We've built swing sets and sheds. We've installed toilets and dishwashers and ceiling fans (I'd like a couple more of those, if you're reading this, Dennis). We've moved from Utah to Illinois to Florida to Minnesota and back. Several times. We have a huge history together. I LOVE that.

And as hard as it is, I like watching my children grow up. I like watching them spread their wings, while my heart aches, as they learn and mature and get ready to go out into the world. I like to see how handsome/beautiful/smart/clever/capable they are as they grow. I like seeing the adults they are becoming.

I don't like the ways I feel myself wearing out. If I lay in bed and read too long (is four hours too long??) my back and shoulders really hurt. My knees hurt in the mornings. I have more gray hair than I want, but I have to stop pulling them out or I'll be bald. I don't want that, either. My teeth aren't as straight as they used to be, and some of them are starting to wear out. I can't do the splits anymore (who cares, except for me?), and like I mentioned earlier, I totally hate my weight. It's pretty frustrating, too, that the work that would have lost that weight in the past now doesn't get the job done! (I totally blame Krispy Kreme. This is all their fault).

I don't really like the heartache that comes when loved ones make bad choices. I don't like the helpless feeling you get when you have to watch them suffer the consequences of their decisions.

But what I came to realize during my mid-night reverie is that I am pretty happy with my life. Yeah, there are things about getting old that pretty much suck, and I bet they get worse as we get older. But there is certainly joy to be had in this journey of life, and although I often don't recognize it, last night while I was ignoring the scary things lurking in my dark bedroom, I remembered that life is beautiful. My life is beautiful. And even when it isn't, it's mine and Dennis's, and we love each other and we have children and parents and siblings and friends, and jobs and a home, and one car that works. And I was grateful.

And I drifted off to sleep feeling peaceful and calm and wondering how late I could sleep in the morning and still get to work on time.

It's not about Religion

I wonder if it's because I live in Utah, that every rule my teens choose to disagree with, is turned into some anti church thing.
Mum "No you can not go to that party with the stoner's and drunks!!"
Teen "you hate my friends, just because they are not Mormon "
Mum "actually because it is ILLEGAL"

The fact is, I have struggled with the "Utah Mormon" culture on both ends with young and older kids.
I hear of people who don't let there kids hang out with non-LDS kids but I have found that when you look a little deeper, a protective parent will often choose for there kids to stay around kids with similar behaviors and values where they personally know the parents and siblings, church is just an easy resource to get to know people.
I always let my kids choose there friends but even now am cautious when there excursions take them out of safety range. I have found on the other hand, people who have judged me for BEING a member of the church. Like I must be an uncool, judgmental, party pooper HELLO!!!! That is so my polar opposite.
The thing is we should know our neighbors, ALL of them. Where is a safe place to go if we are locked out, who could help look for our missing cat. Who to call when you see familiar clapped out jeep wrapped around a lamp post at 5am.

Now my boys are older they find all the moral and legal restrictions that are so burdensome, somehow related to religion but the fact is, I was raised in a very fun loving, non religious, home and there were still rules based on Law and principle.
If it's illegal you don't do it,
If it's immoral you don't do it
If it's unethical you don't do it.

So get off blaming all that is terrible in your life on Joseph Smith and know that as a Parent, I Love You, and will continue to give and enforce rules.
Anyone who gives a free ride on rules.... well luckily I'm only accountable for the way I raise my own kids.


Who knew this fine looking young man , who incidentally didn't crack from this expression the entire night, would be awarded Most outstanding web designer in the whole school!!

post from natalie

This is not about Religion!!
I wonder if it's because I live in Utah, that every rule my teens choose to disagree with, is turned into some anti church thing.
Mum "No you can not go to that party with the stoner's and drunks!!"
Teen "you hate my friends, just because they are not Mormon "
Mum "actually because it is ILLEGAL"
The fact is, I have struggled with the "Utah Mormon" culture on both ends with young and older kids.
I hear of people who don't let there kids hang out with non-LDS kids but I have found that when you look a little deeper, a protective parent will often choose for there kids to stay around kids with similar behaviors and values where they personally know the parents and siblings, church is just an easy resource to get to know people.
I always let my kids choose there friends but even now am cautious when there excursions take them out of safety range. I have found on the other hand, people who have judged me for BEING a member of the church. Like I must be an uncool, judgmental, party pooper HELLO!!!! That is so my polar opposite.
The thing is we should know our neighbors, ALL of them. Where is a safe place to go if we are locked out, who could help look for our missing cat. Who to call when you see familiar clapped out jeep wrapped around a lamp post at 5am.
Now my boys are older they find all the moral and legal restrictions that are so burdensome, somehow related to religion but the fact is, I was raised in a very fun loving, non religious, home and there were still rules based on Law and principle.
If it's illegal you don't do it,
If it's immoral you don't do it
If it's unethical you don't do it.
So get off blaming all that is terrible in your life on Joseph Smith and know that as a Parent, I Love You, and will continue to give and enforce rules.
Anyone who gives a free ride on rules.... well luckily I'm only accountable for the way I raise my own kids.

calling all authors

okay, so I am really slow on the tech front, but I just figured out how you can all post without having to just comment. if you send me your email address, I can invite you to be an author on this blog. just email me at pypertami@hotmail.com and I will sign you up! Because, really, who wants to hear just me talk all the time?