What I wore.

I started blogging as a kind of personal journal. I expect most people do but then as we get readers and followers and commenters etc, we may turn our attention more to what the people want to hear. I have several blogs I read/follow and am often learning something or inspired by them. They range from friends, hobby interests to frugality, organizing and style and for the most part, I keep it in perspective that these are staged posts but from real people, not celebrities, though some do make a living blogging. I recently began to follow a young lady who was featured on studio 5. She also started blogging for herself and was being asked all the time about her clothes and now posts what she is wearing and links to where it is from etc. I loved that she is a classically styled, modest, LDS girl from Utah but with NY at any age kind of outfits so I have followed her.I have even copied a few items but today it dawned on me..... What the crap is a 22 year old design student doing, toting around a $2,000 Prada bag(she has more than one $500+bag) and everyday ensemble from J.Crew or Nordstroms worth more than my yearly clothing allowance for my whole family? Where does she go? I thought for the sake of reality I would follow suit and post a "what I wore" for you all. Sorry about missing links to purchase as I'm pretty sure you will all want my outfit but most of the stuff is old, ahem vintage, and no longer available.

My too big sweats and a layer jacket that goes under most any hoodie or cardigan in a huury.

My cozy slipper/sock boots for indoor use only

and of course my "sunnies" because every "what I wore" post has them. Truthfully I am very happy to have them as they went awol after my accident and I thought they had died in my car but I found them in a $10 handbag :-) Notice my hair is not dried because it's only 11:00am and who gets ready that early if they don't have to? and no I am not sick I just don't have make up on. So this is my reality check for the day. I blog for the sake of journalling, family history if you like. Sometimes it's for therapy or venting and sometimes it's for a happy, gratitude kind of announcement. So what about you? Natalie

A Secret Society.

A recent incident in my neighborhood, which involved ambulances, police cars, a very emotionally, unwell young man and a whole lot of "we're fine, Thank You's" had me feeling compassion towards a mother, who no doubt had been dealing with this for many years. It prompted me to think through so many of the saddest times in my life. Times when things were going completely away from, my well thought out and prayed for, plan. I have discovered, too late as usual, that so much of my sadness and disappointment, questioning my entire existence, purpose and career as a Mom, has come from my own expectations. Expectations that have been created by all kinds of things. The world around me, my own upbringing, my own desires and the biggest influence of all "the church standards". The promises that if I give up my beloved career, where I help people feel good and uplifted daily, to stay home and raise my family full time, that they will excel and achieve greatness, they will want all that the Lord has to offer them and will be excited to grow in his ways. I didn't think I would be sitting around 20 years later,with kids who think college is a waste of time and money, a career path at walmart was a prospect and moving in together, with a girl I can only hope becomes a member of the family because she's adorable would be the future of my very talented kids. I find myself questioning everything I have done over the years. I have tried to magnify my callings in the church whilst my sons often sat through an hour of Sunday school with no teacher. I've tried to not choose Satan's plan by forcing my kids to achieve things like and Eagle Scout award in exchange for a drivers license, instead allowing their agency to choose, hhm. That one backfired several times. I have discovered that having a home, open and fun for friends, creates kids who want to be home and then are traumatized when they leave for long periods like say, a mission but my biggest question in all this is, WHY does everything seem to work out for everyone else and NOT ME!!! and where the heck have all these ideas of perfection, come from anyway? wah wah tantrum, throw things, stomp around and end up curled up on the bed with bad hair and a bar of chocolate (they really should invent chocolate bars, where women can go at night with dim lights so we all look good and we share stories and eat chocolate together) BUT the good news, there's an Answer, YES I have THE answer......They don't!! I mean they don't work out for everyone else, or anyone else for that matter. We just see their lives through the facebook status version. We see the, "my sweet darling angel got baptized today by her older, awesome, straight A, brother who just got the priesthood. Here's my lovely family picture, please don't anyone notice my other son is missing because he want's nothing to do with church and prefers to take drugs on Sunday mornings to feel peace" or we see "My beautiful family holidaying in the Caribbean, a gift from Grandma." The secret here, she hasn't spoken to her other son since he married a divorcee. You see I have discovered that we all live in a secret society. A Truman show. No one appears to have flaws or weakness so we can't possibly share with them that we do. We in turn, keep up the facade that we also, do not have flaws or weakness thus creating this inner turmoil and feeling of failure. I mean no one wants to read on facebook "great, caught another kid looking at porn" do they? Just writing that made me feel weird and need to clarify it was made up :-)Maybe...not but maybe... I am sharing this here on MAMB because I feel, you of all people, my peers in the Mommy experience world, could relate to this feeling. I'm guessing you too have experienced sadness and have received support and love from another, who have shared their own disappointment's and have come to realize that no one is without challenging experiences that you wished you had known, so that you too could be of service. That it is indeed, a blessing to have opportunities to learn and grow through hard times and often, the thing we have poured our heart and soul into, namely raising a family, would be the very spot where we can be humbled and taught the most. In exchange, it is often, how we gauge our success, making check marks as kids achieve the things we think they should. So today I am COMING OUT. I am leaving the secret society. *I am Natalie and I am imperfect. *I only post photos on facebook that make me look good and leave the other 300 hidden. *My house is only clean around the spot of the thing I am showing. *My son want's nothing at all to do with God and it breaks my heart daily. *I would rather "home church" than be there. *My kids ate quesadillas 3 nights this week because I couldn't be bothered to cook. *I painted 3 walls of a room and left the last because I couldn't be bothered and convinced myself I liked the "accent wall" which I don't. *I have fake flowers in my outdoor pots!! My list could go on but I don't want to ruin all the good you thought of me ;-) Happy coming out day. Natalie