Saturday, October 13, 2012

A Secret Society.

A recent incident in my neighborhood, which involved ambulances, police cars, a very emotionally, unwell young man and a whole lot of "we're fine, Thank You's" had me feeling compassion towards a mother, who no doubt had been dealing with this for many years. It prompted me to think through so many of the saddest times in my life. Times when things were going completely away from, my well thought out and prayed for, plan. I have discovered, too late as usual, that so much of my sadness and disappointment, questioning my entire existence, purpose and career as a Mom, has come from my own expectations. Expectations that have been created by all kinds of things. The world around me, my own upbringing, my own desires and the biggest influence of all "the church standards". The promises that if I give up my beloved career, where I help people feel good and uplifted daily, to stay home and raise my family full time, that they will excel and achieve greatness, they will want all that the Lord has to offer them and will be excited to grow in his ways. I didn't think I would be sitting around 20 years later,with kids who think college is a waste of time and money, a career path at walmart was a prospect and moving in together, with a girl I can only hope becomes a member of the family because she's adorable would be the future of my very talented kids. I find myself questioning everything I have done over the years. I have tried to magnify my callings in the church whilst my sons often sat through an hour of Sunday school with no teacher. I've tried to not choose Satan's plan by forcing my kids to achieve things like and Eagle Scout award in exchange for a drivers license, instead allowing their agency to choose, hhm. That one backfired several times. I have discovered that having a home, open and fun for friends, creates kids who want to be home and then are traumatized when they leave for long periods like say, a mission but my biggest question in all this is, WHY does everything seem to work out for everyone else and NOT ME!!! and where the heck have all these ideas of perfection, come from anyway? wah wah tantrum, throw things, stomp around and end up curled up on the bed with bad hair and a bar of chocolate (they really should invent chocolate bars, where women can go at night with dim lights so we all look good and we share stories and eat chocolate together) BUT the good news, there's an Answer, YES I have THE answer......They don't!! I mean they don't work out for everyone else, or anyone else for that matter. We just see their lives through the facebook status version. We see the, "my sweet darling angel got baptized today by her older, awesome, straight A, brother who just got the priesthood. Here's my lovely family picture, please don't anyone notice my other son is missing because he want's nothing to do with church and prefers to take drugs on Sunday mornings to feel peace" or we see "My beautiful family holidaying in the Caribbean, a gift from Grandma." The secret here, she hasn't spoken to her other son since he married a divorcee. You see I have discovered that we all live in a secret society. A Truman show. No one appears to have flaws or weakness so we can't possibly share with them that we do. We in turn, keep up the facade that we also, do not have flaws or weakness thus creating this inner turmoil and feeling of failure. I mean no one wants to read on facebook "great, caught another kid looking at porn" do they? Just writing that made me feel weird and need to clarify it was made up :-)Maybe...not but maybe... I am sharing this here on MAMB because I feel, you of all people, my peers in the Mommy experience world, could relate to this feeling. I'm guessing you too have experienced sadness and have received support and love from another, who have shared their own disappointment's and have come to realize that no one is without challenging experiences that you wished you had known, so that you too could be of service. That it is indeed, a blessing to have opportunities to learn and grow through hard times and often, the thing we have poured our heart and soul into, namely raising a family, would be the very spot where we can be humbled and taught the most. In exchange, it is often, how we gauge our success, making check marks as kids achieve the things we think they should. So today I am COMING OUT. I am leaving the secret society. *I am Natalie and I am imperfect. *I only post photos on facebook that make me look good and leave the other 300 hidden. *My house is only clean around the spot of the thing I am showing. *My son want's nothing at all to do with God and it breaks my heart daily. *I would rather "home church" than be there. *My kids ate quesadillas 3 nights this week because I couldn't be bothered to cook. *I painted 3 walls of a room and left the last because I couldn't be bothered and convinced myself I liked the "accent wall" which I don't. *I have fake flowers in my outdoor pots!! My list could go on but I don't want to ruin all the good you thought of me ;-) Happy coming out day. Natalie

1 comment:

  1. Oh my gosh, Natalie. This post is freaking perfect.

    I love President Uchtdorf's comment that we often compare our worst selves to someone else's best. Comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. And that's just not right!!!

    The truth is, EVERYONE has faults. (And everyone's children have faults!!) I commend you for "coming out," but it doesn't change my opinion of you, except maybe it makes me think you're even more spectacular than I already knew.

    You and your sweetheart have done such a great job, making something beautiful and wonderful out of a pretty rough situation. So things haven't been perfect. I bet they are SO MUCH BETTER than they could have been. You just don't know...and you can't take your worst and compare it to someone else's best.

    I love you so much, and I love your family. You guys are SO AWESOME.

    Thanks for a great post.