Falling Apart.

I don't know if it's because I'm older but I seem to know more than ever, families that are falling apart around me. Good people, great people who seem to fall into the pit of despair and don't know how to get out. Finally they get a glimpse of strength and they use it to up and leave!
Then it seems like the very worst things that have been bottled up inside them come bursting out. They party hard and accuse and pass blame and turn there backs on there friends and claim them to be "judgmental"or "self righteous" because they don't wish to partake in the festivities. They leave the woman they once d loved and adored and bore children with in the middle of nowhere to fend for themselves. They take off and hide money and leave Mom's penniless with hungry kids. They hook up with any old bit of skirt or dead beat to somehow soothe there pain. They drag there eternal companions through the courts digging up all the dirt they can to make it clear none of it was there fault.
It's the worst kid of virus and it seems to be spreading fast.
My kids talk of visiting other Dad's and question why and if our family will have another Dad or Mom.
I almost forget that 16 years ago I went through this very thing and have empathy for so many, hurt by divorce.
My boys were only 2 & 3 years old when there Dad left but despite having 13 years with an awesome father in the home, they still deal with the pain, rejections, challenges and emotion of a divorce they had nothing to do with.
I am grateful now to be married to an amazing man who understands his role as my ETERNAL companion. He treats me like the queen I will become and will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING it takes to make our marriage and family a forever one. I feel the same way about him.
I pray everyday for my sweet neighbors and friends who's lives are being torn apart by Satan's power.

I KNOW the grass is not greener elsewhere. We need to weed, tend, fertilize and mow our own grass and if it still looks ugly, XERISCAPE.

Someone else's yard is not an option.

dementor's kiss

okay, marianne. what did i tell you? here i am feeling like the worst wife on the planet, the worst mom, the worst housekeeper, daughter, friend, cook,,yada, yada, yada. i know i should read my scriptures but i can't summon up enough wherewithal to open them. plus, i know if i read anything, i will immediately feel guilty about everything. sometimes, life just sucks and you just have to get through it. i have a sign on my kitchen counter that says, "hang in there! you're a trooper!" i am so sick of being a frickin' trooper! i am sick of hanging in there. of course, i can't actually say any of this to anyone--because i am a trooper! maybe if i just go eat some chocolate...

Mummy Makeover.

Well you asked for it.
After many years of desire and selling my harley, I chose B and It has been 3 weeks.
Sorry no pictures on this blog :)
I have several friends who have done this. I say friends because when some associate from your ward or gym is willing to flash you there stuff on request, I think it makes us friends. Be warned, ladies with new perky boobs will often show you there stuff even when you don't ask or just have them on full display at the local pool behind a small piece of fabric and string. You know you've mumbled about there fake Knockers but really would love to buy a swimsuit based on it's cuteness rather than it's ability to hold up the girls. I digress.
So I researched different docs, each with there specialty. I looked at many before and after pics ( shocking and gross but comforting to know I am not alone in the before, horror shot.) I was concerned with recommendation, experience, manner, pictures, after care, pain management and generally how I felt. Not so concerned with cost since they were all close.
I was surprised how different each place was despite the procedure being similar.
My biggest fear was pain. I would've done this years ago but since I had heard descriptions like "I begged my husband to shoot me in the face to put me out of my misery!" I was pretty apprehensive. Dr Bishop had me at "you will have a pain pump flowing a constant anaesthetic to the area for 5 days :)" SOLD!!!!
I also chose him cos on one of before mentioned flashing's, I observed that his experience with stitching hands meant his scars were virtually invisible.

So I paid my money and waited a month for the big day. I didn't mention it to hardly anyone because I thought if even a slight doubt was placed in front of me I would've bailed.
So why am I telling of my secret now? Actually, I am just relieved and impressed to report it wasn't as bad as I imagined. I had the surgery AM,it took 5 hours and by evening time I was standing and into a chair, where I stayed over night in a really nice facility at the riverwoods. I had one on one nurses care and plenty of morphine. I was smiling on my way out of there just 24 hours later.


I spent the first few days asleep in a recliner thanks to drugs and my sweet hubby taking care of everything and by day 5 I was returning to the docs for my first check and dreaded drain and pump removal.
It turned out the pain drugs had worn off and I had already gone past the worst so at this point Ibuprofen was all I needed. Yes on day 5!
The removal of pumps however was a definite gag me moment.
You know when your at the "bugs life" 4D show in Disney and the slug runs under your butt...well imagine felling it pulled right across your body under the skin. Nuf said.
So from there on it's, try to stand up straight, don't cough or sneeze, lower back ache from being bent over. Cabin fever, totally rubbish TV and a house that looks in need of a Mum even though sweet hubby has busted a gut to keep on top of stuff.

Was it worth it? Honestly it's too early to say. My inability to work out has left me a bit negative, I rely on that for my happy feelings. The scar itself is a bit lumpy and unsightly as expected but I still have stretch marks above it so it's not like I'm clean and clear after all this. My skin above the incision is numb and feels thick like a whale when I touch it, they say that feeling will return.To top it off I haven't had a good nights sleep since I stopped the big drugs.
Ask me in 3 weeks and I'm sure I will be all better.

On a plus side, my boobs look blooming fantastic, like a teenager! I'll show you if you like :) KIDDING!!

To tell or NOT to tell.....

That is the question?
So I wonder how many people read this blog anyway but I have seriously considered this next post.
The Mummy Makeover! You know what I'm talking about. The extreme kind where you try to get your body back to it's pre- mummy state.
It's something I have considered for years. My very first baby left me with stretch marks from naval to hoo ha, a 3 inch roll of skin over my belt and boobs I could've tied in a bow (sorry to shatter any illusions of me)and so here I am 18 years and 3 babies later. My options are:
A) Refill said skin and boob sacks with all kinds of nummy fat food (trust me I've tried this option, one big mac in each bra.
B) Visit an experienced, well trained and sometimes a bit excentric doctor to take care of it.
Which would you choose?
So after diet, excersice and much thought,I'm ready to tell the tale if anyone's interested.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I know I am not your typical sahm--I really struggle with some of this mommy stuff. I adore my children, I love being a mom, and I know it is the most important thing that I can do ever...BUT! I love the first day of school! Only five more days until all 4 of my children are in school all day everyday! Yes, for the first time in 8 years, I will be home alone. And no, I will NOT be crying!

If you knew me before....

Coming to America at age 25 meant a new start for me. I could walk, yes I said walk, to the store and guarantee NEVER seeing a familiar face. It's very strange and quite a bit lonely.
It's been 13 years and that is no longer the case in fact it's hard to go anywhere without recognizing someone (even if your somewhere you shouldn't be :)
Recently the world of facebook has opened up to me and many of you too and we find ourselves reconnecting with people who meant allot to us in our past. People who knew us as fun loving kids, athletic and talented. People we studied with played pranks on and dreamed with. Of course they want to know what your up to and It got me thinking how different life can be.
If you knew me before, I was on every team I could fit in my schedule from cross country to netball, hockey, swimming, and of course track, my best. But I also did gymnastics and judo, played the flute, was a brownie and girl guide. I always had some sort of back yard club or shed party going on. I was pretty bright and went to a special school.
My college years were my favorite. I joined the church, I got married and pregnant too young :( I was a pretty decent hairstylist and loved to work at a fancy spa for no money, my dream to one day own a place like that. I worked at mcdonalds and had a blast there, I was a single parent at 21 and struggled to keep my water heater on. I slept many nights with 2 little boys under my arms from fear. I loved to dance, I still do and I laugh and joke about everything in public.

So for those who knew me then, how different life is now. For those who know me now, well I have a membership to a fancy club but I couldn't be further from that person.
I like my life, I like who I am and what I do daily. Not glamorous or dream worthy but my choice and my consequence.
So what about you? What would I have seen if I knew you before?

Silence.

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the thoughts jumping in my head that I become quite quiet. I know, hard to believe, I usually have an opinion on most things.
Lately, since this blog world has opened up to me, I find myself thinking in paragraphs and appropriate pictures. "man I could totally write a blog about that"

It seems my view of life and the world has changed over the years and my thoughts can be very sarcastic, matter of fact, cynical even. I realize if I wrote what I actually thought I would offend just about everyone I know. So it saddens me when I read my blog title "telling it like it is" because I really don't do that anymore.
I mean I really used to!
In some ways that was positive. Friends asked me to go shopping because they knew I would tell the truth about how something looked. In some it was negative, peoples insecurities don't allow them to accept that someone else may have a different view that is uncomfortable for them.
So as I wisely aged, I became more diplomatic and said less about what I really thought, unfortunately going with the flow in allot of cases. Choosing to say nothing.

So here lies my dilemma. When asked the question " are you honest in all your dealings?" the thought of sneaking out of smiths with a melon on the bottom of my cart are not forefront in my mind but rather, Should I have said YES when asked if she looked fat!! Am I therefore being honest?
The fact is, I have very few friends with staying power and with them, Honesty is just a part of me they love, because despite it they know me, and know I would do anything for them, I have a heart wide open with compassion and never judge (unless it's about there hair and clothes , which lets face it, the world could use more honesty in) However, mostly I have associates who regularly call me with there needs and rarely have a clue I might be hurting for something myself. These same people are not ready to hear what deeply thought out, or quickly decided views I have. So I wonder, is it best to be true and keep my friends close? or live on tip toes, hoping for a large funeral and have a multitude of leeches in my life?

I know it's a no brain er.
So my next step would be to move where nobody knows me:) What I did that once already!